Most of you already intrinsically know the three stages of drunk.  However, a couple of years ago Drex and I felt those stages needed names and definitions.  Thus, I present today’s post for your edification (that means enlightenment for those of you without a dictionary).

Stage 1:  Drunky Boots.  Drunky boots is when you’re mildly drunk and delightful to those around you.  You are affable and funny and people will flock to you so as to have some of your charm and wit rub off on them.  Drunky Boots is the life of the party.

Stage 2:  Drunky Pants.  If you are Drunky Boots and you continue to drink copious amounts of alcohol, you will become Drunky Pants.  At this stage, you are still a joy to others but they are now laughing AT you rather than WITH you.  You delight others with your willingness to do stupid shit without an ounce of shame or regret (at the time).

Stage 3:  Drunk Face.  Drunk Face is when you careen off the tracks from Drunky Pants and become an albatross to your drinking brethren.  You are loud and not funny and you start fights and fall repeatedly whilst insisting that you are FINE DAMMIT.  Except that comes out more like, “NO!   I’m fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.  Juuuuuussssssssst shuuut upppppppp!  *hiccup*”    People will try to put you in cabs when you’re Drunk Face only you will refuse to go home and try to entice people who are Drunky Pants to follow you down your rabbit hole and go to places like The Mayfair, Grits, The Gold Mine and Miss Mae’s.  Should you ultimately succeed in convincing others to follow your path of destruction you will eventually (hopefully) find yourself in bed the next morning with a massive hangover, UDIs  (Unidentified Drunken Injuries) and the loss of personal items.

So, my peeps, now that you are armed with this newfound knowledge, go forth and have fun.  But don’t ever call me when you’re Drunk Face.  I’ll just meet you at The Mayfair.