I cry at stupid commercials, movies, television shows, etc.  Like that Hallmark commercial where the old lady goes out to check her mailbox every day and NOTHING IS INSIDE and her face is all, “I AM ALONE AND DEAD INSIDE.”  And then the kindly young mother down the street mails the old lady a card and the old lady is all, “I’M NO LONGER PLANNING TO STICK MY HEAD IN THE OVEN.”

That commercial makes me cry.  EVERY TIME.  No matter how many times I see it.  I think because maybe I feel like some day I might BE that old lady who is dead inside and alone.  But then again, I plan on being awesome and rich when I’m old.  I may not have kids, but since I’ll be rich (due to not having kids) the kids of my relatives will be tripping over themselves to wipe my ass so as to ingratiate themselves to me and thus, earn a place in my will.  They will bring me bourbon and cigarettes (because I will take up smoking when I get to be too old to care) and in return, I will take them on awesome vacays where they will be allowed to drink to excess on my dime.

So, whilst I will surely be dead inside (for other reasons entirely having to do with my ill will towards people), I figure I won’t be so alone or bored enough to check my mail twice a day.  But even if I was, there would be awesome things in the mail – like checks and plane tickets.  So, SUCK IT HALLMARK.  Your Jedi mind tricks won’t work on me.  Anymore.  I hope.

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