Dear “Judy Heyboer”:

If that’s even your real name.  Just wanted to say thank you for being an enormous douche.  Ever since you decided to use my email address to sign up for spam my in-box has runneth over.  Whilst Gmail generally catches the offending trash, the occasional newsletters you’ve signed me up for always slip through.  I can’t tell you how thrilled I was to get that email from Kellogg’s – riveting stuff, that one.  Who knew breakfast could be so exciting?  You did, my friend, and for that – I thank you.  From the bottom of my black, soulless heart.