Category: THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS



Soooo…uh…my fridge smells. Like really badly. I’m not sure what it is, but I AM fairly sure I’m not going to do anything about it.

At least not now. And probably not tomorrow because I’ll probably be hungover. And probably not Sunday because I have plans. And then the work week starts all over again and I can think of at least three dozen things I’d rather do after work than clean a fridge.

Soooooooo…there’s that.

Happy Friday, Fuckers.

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Go read THIS ARTICLE and come back.

I’ll wait.

Back? Good. Let’s get started.

WTF is wrong with “kids these days”? I mean, seriously, WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT UP AN ALCOHOL ENEMA IN THE FIRST PLACE? And who is the stupid fucker who first gave it a shot? I can think of nothing dumber and more humiliating than having a TUBE shoved up my asshole by some drunk “friend” and THEN having booze poured down said tube and into said asshole. Also, leaving aside the obvious ridiculous stupidity of this stunt – WOULDN’T THERE BE EXCESS FLUID? That would then have to DRAIN somewhere? I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure that cavity isn’t designed to hold large quantities of liquid. SO, not only would you be colossally stupid, but you’d also be dripping a delightful cocktail of booze and shit out of your ass.

WHERE DO I SIGN UP? *defeated sigh*


It’s been raining in NOLA for much of the past month. To the point that I think half of us here are considering self-harm and the others building an Ark.

Cut to Friday. I came home from work early…just in time to witness a particularly heinous storm. We’ve lived on this street for just over six months and I never once thought about whether it flooded during a storm.

MISTAKE.

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Came out of the house and found that.

Sooooo I am apparently now the proud owner of a 1998 Nissan Pathfinder with a broken heater core, musty smell and plant life AND a 2008 Infiniti EX 35 with a drained battery and water sloshing around beneath the floorboards.

TRY TO CONTAIN YOUR ENVY.


So Drex is on a European vacay and overheard something whilst in Prague that makes me want to disown like 75% of Americans.¬†He’s sitting in a cafe directly across from a church. Church bells are ringing.

Stupid American at table next to him says, “Are there churches here?”

What. The. Fuck. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS. Because assholes like that go out in the world and show everyone exactly WHY we are last in all areas of education in Amurh’ca. Jeebus. America did not invent religion, you stupid douchenozzle. A select few just turned it into a particular breed of CRAZY that on the one hand has its hand up the asshole of the government while somehow proclaiming itself to be persecuted by liberal commie bastards. I’m talking to you, Rick Santorum. You glorious bastard, you.

End rant.

In lighter news. Drex, being the large German man that he is, then proceeded to defile a monument by literally walking all over it. Well done, dude. Well done indeed.

 


Out of the kindness of my black, soulless heart I am bestowing upon you a wealth of knowledge that literally every permanent resident of New Orleans would like for you to know.

Drive like a normal person. This means going the speed limit, paying attention to road signs and street lights and not slamming on your brakes at every intersection. We get it. Those one-way streets can be confusing – here’s a tip…if you fail to encounter a single stop sign, ALL of the cars are parked facing the opposite direction in which you are traveling and at least one car traveling in the direction opposite of you honks and flips you off – you’re doing it wrong.

Also, if you find yourself sight-seeing from the comfort of your vehicle whilst traveling at a leisurely pace, REST ASSURED THE LOCALS DRIVING BEHIND YOU WANT TO STAB YOU IN THE FACE. NOLA is a walkable city – get out of your car and find that out for yourselves.

Don’t jaywalk like an asshole. New Orleans is a pretty laissez-faire place. We don’t hand out tickets for jaywalking. Mostly because our police officers have more important shit to deal with. But here’s the thing you should remember – DON’T BE A DICK. If there are cars sitting at an intersection and you clearly don’t have the right of way (based upon your mindfulness of the pedestrian traffic signal) DO NOT WALK OUT IN FRONT OF TRAFFIC. The only time locals jaywalk is when the coast is clear to do so. If you see someone else dash across the street against the light – DO NOT WADDLE OUT AFTER THEM THINKING IT’S OK, then get pissy when the driver you’ve just held up honks at you.

And here’s a tip regarding those pedestrian traffic signs. I don’t care if the light is green for vehicle traffic headed in your direction – if that hand is RED – YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY.

Being a tourist doesn’t immunize you from danger. This is New Orleans – a real, live city. NOT DISNEY WORLD. That means you need to use sidewalks and pay attention to shit. Not every street is Bourbon or Royal and blocked off for your pedestrian pleasure. And even those, by the way, don’t work how you think they work. Bourbon is OPEN TO CARS during the day – so if you stumble drunkenly into an intersection at noon on a Tuesday – don’t be surprised when you get hit by a car.

Don’t go to Bubba Gump and claim to have had a true New Orleans meal. For the love. We have some of the finest food establishments in the WORLD. Ask locals where to dine – you will never be disappointed. And in that same vein – PLEASE DO NOT WANDER INTO GALATOIRE’S WEARING JEANS AND A BASEBALL CAP. I know they’ll let you in nowadays after making you don a borrowed jacket, but for the love! Galatoire’s is an¬†unparalleled dining experience and when you come off the streets in your Levi’s and solid white tennis shoes you are thumbing your nose at over a century of history. In short, SHOW SOME GOD DAMN RESPECT.

Look, we like having you here. We NEED you here…what with that whole Katrina thing, shortly followed by that whole BP thing. It’s just, we’d also appreciate it if you remembered that people actually live and work in this city and have places to go. Not being a dick is a small price to pay for enjoying our music, food and culture.


Or hate me. But don’t unfriend me on Facebook. I think we all know how well that goes…

It’s just, I don’t get the hoopla surrounding that book Fifty Shades of Grey. I mean, it’s nothing more than poorly written fan fic based upon the Twilight series (another pile of garbage I will never understand). Go check out 50 Shades of Suck if you don’t believe me about the poor writing. Now, it’s not like I require Dickensian writing in all of my books; but if it can’t find a coherent plot (or sentence) with two hands and a flashlight then we should all just move along while someone sets all of the copies on fire.

My theory is that people with ordinary lives like to believe themselves to be “edgy.” So it’s similar to when books like Madame Bovary, The Grapes of Wrath and Slaughterhouse-Five came out. Those publications were widely derided as nothing but obscene trash – like Fifty Shades of Grey. Only, unlike Madame Bovary, The Grapes of Wrath and Slaughterhouse-Five – Fifty Shades of Grey is epically bad and it is only the subject matter that is titillating. Thus, while it may make people feel “edgy” it is certainly not a novel that will withstand the test of time.

Ultimately, it’s just sex, peeps. It happens all the damn time. I assure you, someone is doing it right now. Maybe even while reading this blog. Except probably not. Though I guess that might be very masochistic of them. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

 


I’ve found that people these days don’t care about facts. Or who said what. Or where the “information” they’ve quoted comes from.

Just so long as the word vomit regurgitates their own beliefs back to them they’re perfectly willing to pass it on ad nauseum (that’s a lot of vomit for one sentence. FYI.).

I long for days of meaningful political discourse; where intelligent conversations were had without one party devolving into name-calling or abject reliance on MSNBC or FOX News.

When did doubt become a bad thing? Why is a change of heart and mind something to be vilified rather than celebrated?

An open mind isn’t a bad thing. It’s something to be celebrated. It means we are capable of change, of reinvention…capable of outside-the-box solutions to problems that eluded our forefathers.

The thought of a stagnant society for the sake of walking the beaten path is a society that is dead before it’s laced its proverbial shoes.

I’ll pass on that one. Thanks.


Kletia!!

Not for nothing…but I bet your dad couldn’t find one.

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.


 

HONEY! For the love. I’m pretty fucking certain that THIS precise situation is why baby jesus invented full-coverage underwear AND SLIPS!

Your mother should be ashamed but she’s probably your BFF and shares your clothes.

Excuse me while I go pound my forehead on my desk.

 


Bristol Palin Criticizes Obama On Gay Marriage, Says Kids Need Mom And A Dad. Let That Sink In. – The Superficial – Because You’re Ugly.

Like a fat kid loves cake. Or, like Bristol Palin likes penis. Yeah. Like that. I heard she likes that a lot.