Category: Travel

So Drex is on a European vacay and overheard something whilst in Prague that makes me want to disown like 75% of Americans. He’s sitting in a cafe directly across from a church. Church bells are ringing.

Stupid American at table next to him says, “Are there churches here?”

What. The. Fuck. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS. Because assholes like that go out in the world and show everyone exactly WHY we are last in all areas of education in Amurh’ca. Jeebus. America did not invent religion, you stupid douchenozzle. A select few just turned it into a particular breed of CRAZY that on the one hand has its hand up the asshole of the government while somehow proclaiming itself to be persecuted by liberal commie bastards. I’m talking to you, Rick Santorum. You glorious bastard, you.

End rant.

In lighter news. Drex, being the large German man that he is, then proceeded to defile a monument by literally walking all over it. Well done, dude. Well done indeed.


Out of the kindness of my black, soulless heart I am bestowing upon you a wealth of knowledge that literally every permanent resident of New Orleans would like for you to know.

Drive like a normal person. This means going the speed limit, paying attention to road signs and street lights and not slamming on your brakes at every intersection. We get it. Those one-way streets can be confusing – here’s a tip…if you fail to encounter a single stop sign, ALL of the cars are parked facing the opposite direction in which you are traveling and at least one car traveling in the direction opposite of you honks and flips you off – you’re doing it wrong.

Also, if you find yourself sight-seeing from the comfort of your vehicle whilst traveling at a leisurely pace, REST ASSURED THE LOCALS DRIVING BEHIND YOU WANT TO STAB YOU IN THE FACE. NOLA is a walkable city – get out of your car and find that out for yourselves.

Don’t jaywalk like an asshole. New Orleans is a pretty laissez-faire place. We don’t hand out tickets for jaywalking. Mostly because our police officers have more important shit to deal with. But here’s the thing you should remember – DON’T BE A DICK. If there are cars sitting at an intersection and you clearly don’t have the right of way (based upon your mindfulness of the pedestrian traffic signal) DO NOT WALK OUT IN FRONT OF TRAFFIC. The only time locals jaywalk is when the coast is clear to do so. If you see someone else dash across the street against the light – DO NOT WADDLE OUT AFTER THEM THINKING IT’S OK, then get pissy when the driver you’ve just held up honks at you.

And here’s a tip regarding those pedestrian traffic signs. I don’t care if the light is green for vehicle traffic headed in your direction – if that hand is RED – YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY.

Being a tourist doesn’t immunize you from danger. This is New Orleans – a real, live city. NOT DISNEY WORLD. That means you need to use sidewalks and pay attention to shit. Not every street is Bourbon or Royal and blocked off for your pedestrian pleasure. And even those, by the way, don’t work how you think they work. Bourbon is OPEN TO CARS during the day – so if you stumble drunkenly into an intersection at noon on a Tuesday – don’t be surprised when you get hit by a car.

Don’t go to Bubba Gump and claim to have had a true New Orleans meal. For the love. We have some of the finest food establishments in the WORLD. Ask locals where to dine – you will never be disappointed. And in that same vein – PLEASE DO NOT WANDER INTO GALATOIRE’S WEARING JEANS AND A BASEBALL CAP. I know they’ll let you in nowadays after making you don a borrowed jacket, but for the love! Galatoire’s is an unparalleled dining experience and when you come off the streets in your Levi’s and solid white tennis shoes you are thumbing your nose at over a century of history. In short, SHOW SOME GOD DAMN RESPECT.

Look, we like having you here. We NEED you here…what with that whole Katrina thing, shortly followed by that whole BP thing. It’s just, we’d also appreciate it if you remembered that people actually live and work in this city and have places to go. Not being a dick is a small price to pay for enjoying our music, food and culture.

Brought to me by CNN.

The article is all about how extended vacations aren’t exactly encouraged in the U.S., while most European countries mandate vacation time be given to employees.

I think if I were encouraged / forced to take a two-week vacation every year I wouldn’t hate my life as much.  There’s a definite need, especially in today’s world, to just unplug from work and emails and phone calls from the boss every now and then.

Just one more reason why I’m probably a dyed-in-the-wool socialist and should move overseas.  I can be an ex-pat and take up smoking at darkened cafes whilst reading esoteric novels.  I can totally see that.  But I won’t wear turtlenecks or skinny jeans.  Have to draw the line somewhere…

I love a good rant

J.Crew is having a sale (I got a SWEET deal on a new coat); however, Drex was not so fortunate.  I have cut and pasted his email below for your viewing enjoyment.  First though, some back-story.  We call Drex “a large fella” because whilst in Ireland – land of the midget people – we were making our way down to the dungeon/basement turned bar at our hotel and were met by a tiny Irish bloke who, when coming face to navel with Drex developed a startled look on his face and said, “Oh, you’re a large fella.”  After which everyone but Drex dissolved into giggles.  Now, on to the letter…

To Whom It May Concern:

Your recent sale advertised a men’s peacoat for “regular” people at $149, which is a 42% mark down, however your “tall” was only marked down 17% to 229.  This is the latest in a string of incidents with your clothes, including not making jackets sized 46T for your linen suit last summer, and never being able to find pants long enough in the store, that have made me realize that you actually do not want me as a customer.

I love your clothes and your aesthetic, but I refuse to buy pants that don’t break properly, and refuse to buy jackets that make me look like I’m 16 after a growth spurt.  I also don’t understand why an inch and a quarter added to the length of fabric means one-third the mark down in a sale, especially if its only $20 at full price!

I realize that at 6’3″ I am a large man, but Christ, does that mean I deserve to get hosed at the register after struggling to find clothes that fit?

Kind Regards,


A Large Fellow.


Insert sad face here.  However, I’m all about firing off angry emails, despite the fact that they rarely lead to any resolution.  Various city officials probably send anything from my email addy straight to their spam folders, but at the very least, it makes me feel better.  Booze helps too.  Booze always helps…

Maids are AWESOME

I will never again go without maid service; even if it means I have to forgo buying shoes.  It is that worth it people.  To wit, I got the following email today from

Love the last part.  Seriously, there is absolutely nothing like coming home to a house you didn’t clean.  Amazeballs.

But as for SniqueAway, if you haven’t heard of it before – they truly have steals and deals when it comes to discounted hotel rooms.  You should check them out if you’re planning a vacay this year.  We have tentative plans to do a wine country tour around Thanksgiving.  Here’s hoping that dream really does come true!

Anyone have any fancy travel plans?

I just spent a total of about four to five hours working on something that The Boss did not, in fact, want me to prepare.  FML.
I’m not sure why exactly this year has been so exhausting with regard to work, but it totally has.  Perhaps it’s due to the fact that I haven’t been on a real vacation in about two years.  I’m not talking about the “long weekend” kind of vacay, but the “PEACE OUT B*TCHES, SEE YOU IN TEN DAYS” kind of vacation.  
We went to Ireland for Thanksgiving in 2008 and it was GLORIOUS.  I drank nothing but Jack and Diet Coke and Guinness the entire time.  Note to my fellow travelers – apparently the Irish deem Jack Daniels to be of the finest quality and therefore, often refuse to sully it with the addition of soda of any kind.  Who knew?  Also, if you stumble into a pub in Adare and find the bartender touting the “New Yank Drink” I advise you to steer clear.  After a few too many we made Andrew drink Malibu and Red Bull in exchange for $30 euro.  It apparently caught on after we left despite the fact that it was NASTY.
Adare Manor
As for future vacay plans, I have tentative designs on doing a wine country vacay next fall or perhaps gay Paris in the winter of 2011.  We shall see how the credit card sitch shapes up over the next few months.  
Any of you peeps have fun vacays planned?  Not that I could use the FML material but figured I’d ask…to be polite.  Mind you, I’ll probably be cursing you under my breath if you do share.  So just keep that in mind.
Later taters!

The Delta is Calling

So when I said there was no vacay in my future this year, it was sort of, kind of, not the truth.  It’s just not the big grandiose trip to Turks and Caicos or Puerto Rico that my FML contributors are taking.

The hub’s grew up in Greenville, Mississippi (that’s pronounced “Green-vul” for those Delta virgins).  Greenville is generally known for its cotton (which is apparently slowly being replaced with soybeans) and the 1927 Mississippi River flood.  Every year the city hosts The Mississippi Delta Blues & Heritage Festival.  The hubs is into that sort of music so for his birthday this year I decided to organize a little weekend trip.

We are staying in Greenwood, where the hubs’ mom now lives, which is a lovely town with a lovely main street and an AMAZING hotel.  The Alluvian looks as though it belongs in a trendy section of New York rather than the middle of the Mississippi Delta.

Alluvian Lobby looking from the check-in desk
Lobby from another angle

All of the gorgeous art work is by Delta artists in a medium of their choice.  Their only requirement is that the piece reflect some aspect of the Mississippi Delta.

There’s a spa (of course) where they offer signature Delta treatments like the Sweet Tea mani / pedi and the Delta River Rock massage.  I plan to have myself some pampering while I’m there.

The hotel also contains Giardina’s Restaurant.  Where a friend of the hub’s is now head chef.  Now let me tell you – Chef Nick trained for a while at Upperline and as a result, his fried green tomatoes are some of the BEST I have ever eaten.  We’re dining there next Friday night and I am very much looking forward to it!

Last, but not least, I have to mention the fabulous bookstore in Greenwood, TurnRow.  They specialize in Southern literature and the staff is incredibly helpful in helping you peruse the selection.  Bonus?  They often have book signings and many of their novels are available signed by the author.  Another bonus??  Upstairs is a lovely cafe (where they serve beer!!) and balcony.  Buy yourself a book, a sammich and a beer and sit out on the balcony for a few hours to read.

Also on the itinerary is a trip to Doe’s Eat Place in Greenville, home of the best steak you will ever put in your mouth.  Yeah, I totally went there and I will challenge anyone to fisticuffs who says otherwise.  Doe’s has a couple of franchises, but Greenville is the original; where I’m fairly certain the ovens are older than I am.  The salad is also awesome – prepared by old ladies in wooden bowls that have been seasoned for years.  People from around the Delta actually bring in their own newly-purchased wooden bowls to have them seasoned by the professionals at Doe’s.

There will also be music to be heard in between the feedings.  By pure happenstance Greenwood’s annual River to the Rails music festival is also the same weekend so we’ll definitely be getting our fill of the blues.

I’m always glad to share the little information I’ve picked up about the Delta, so drop me a line if anyone wants more info on where to stay, eat, shop, etc.

Have a good weekend my peeps!

I Have a New Hero (Sorry Mom)

Ever bring a bottle of wine with you on vacay, then get to the room only to realize – NO CORKSCREW.  The travesty.  It’s like being in a life raft in the middle of the ocean – water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink!

Watch this video (which is in French, but you get the idea), and a lack of a corkscrew will never inhibit getting your drink on again.

You’re welcome.

To the uninitiated, a FML Moment is when you are told/read/realize something that makes you die a little inside because you are reminded of just how much your life sucks in comparison to another’s.

My FML Moment of today is brought to me by Jessie of The Gimlet Eye, who, by the way, is the foremost contributor to my FML Moments.  Jessie and the hubs are going on a babymoon to lovely Puerto Rico and get to stay HERE.  Now, I realize everyone gets to take vacays; so why the FML you ask?  It’s because there is no vacay for me this year after The Plumbing Snafu of 2010.

That would be the terra cotta main that we got to replace back in April.  See, we avoided getting raped by the tax man this year, only to have the plumber come along instead.  The joys of homeownership are never-ending.