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I once daydreamed about THIS.

Today…a lady was invading my personal space on a fairly empty elevator. So I fake coughed on the back of her neck.

She moved.

Which means that the lesson I learned is: Sometimes indulging my impulse control problem leads to desirable results.

GAME OVER, BITCHES.

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So Drex is on a European vacay and overheard something whilst in Prague that makes me want to disown like 75% of Americans. He’s sitting in a cafe directly across from a church. Church bells are ringing.

Stupid American at table next to him says, “Are there churches here?”

What. The. Fuck. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS. Because assholes like that go out in the world and show everyone exactly WHY we are last in all areas of education in Amurh’ca. Jeebus. America did not invent religion, you stupid douchenozzle. A select few just turned it into a particular breed of CRAZY that on the one hand has its hand up the asshole of the government while somehow proclaiming itself to be persecuted by liberal commie bastards. I’m talking to you, Rick Santorum. You glorious bastard, you.

End rant.

In lighter news. Drex, being the large German man that he is, then proceeded to defile a monument by literally walking all over it. Well done, dude. Well done indeed.

 


Out of the kindness of my black, soulless heart I am bestowing upon you a wealth of knowledge that literally every permanent resident of New Orleans would like for you to know.

Drive like a normal person. This means going the speed limit, paying attention to road signs and street lights and not slamming on your brakes at every intersection. We get it. Those one-way streets can be confusing – here’s a tip…if you fail to encounter a single stop sign, ALL of the cars are parked facing the opposite direction in which you are traveling and at least one car traveling in the direction opposite of you honks and flips you off – you’re doing it wrong.

Also, if you find yourself sight-seeing from the comfort of your vehicle whilst traveling at a leisurely pace, REST ASSURED THE LOCALS DRIVING BEHIND YOU WANT TO STAB YOU IN THE FACE. NOLA is a walkable city – get out of your car and find that out for yourselves.

Don’t jaywalk like an asshole. New Orleans is a pretty laissez-faire place. We don’t hand out tickets for jaywalking. Mostly because our police officers have more important shit to deal with. But here’s the thing you should remember – DON’T BE A DICK. If there are cars sitting at an intersection and you clearly don’t have the right of way (based upon your mindfulness of the pedestrian traffic signal) DO NOT WALK OUT IN FRONT OF TRAFFIC. The only time locals jaywalk is when the coast is clear to do so. If you see someone else dash across the street against the light – DO NOT WADDLE OUT AFTER THEM THINKING IT’S OK, then get pissy when the driver you’ve just held up honks at you.

And here’s a tip regarding those pedestrian traffic signs. I don’t care if the light is green for vehicle traffic headed in your direction – if that hand is RED – YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY.

Being a tourist doesn’t immunize you from danger. This is New Orleans – a real, live city. NOT DISNEY WORLD. That means you need to use sidewalks and pay attention to shit. Not every street is Bourbon or Royal and blocked off for your pedestrian pleasure. And even those, by the way, don’t work how you think they work. Bourbon is OPEN TO CARS during the day – so if you stumble drunkenly into an intersection at noon on a Tuesday – don’t be surprised when you get hit by a car.

Don’t go to Bubba Gump and claim to have had a true New Orleans meal. For the love. We have some of the finest food establishments in the WORLD. Ask locals where to dine – you will never be disappointed. And in that same vein – PLEASE DO NOT WANDER INTO GALATOIRE’S WEARING JEANS AND A BASEBALL CAP. I know they’ll let you in nowadays after making you don a borrowed jacket, but for the love! Galatoire’s is an unparalleled dining experience and when you come off the streets in your Levi’s and solid white tennis shoes you are thumbing your nose at over a century of history. In short, SHOW SOME GOD DAMN RESPECT.

Look, we like having you here. We NEED you here…what with that whole Katrina thing, shortly followed by that whole BP thing. It’s just, we’d also appreciate it if you remembered that people actually live and work in this city and have places to go. Not being a dick is a small price to pay for enjoying our music, food and culture.

My FML Moment of the Day


Brought to me by…………BIRDS!

Judging by the smell currently emanating from my laundry room, I can only assume that one of the birds who (which?) had taken up residence in my dryer vent has met an untimely demise.

FML

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Or hate me. But don’t unfriend me on Facebook. I think we all know how well that goes…

It’s just, I don’t get the hoopla surrounding that book Fifty Shades of Grey. I mean, it’s nothing more than poorly written fan fic based upon the Twilight series (another pile of garbage I will never understand). Go check out 50 Shades of Suck if you don’t believe me about the poor writing. Now, it’s not like I require Dickensian writing in all of my books; but if it can’t find a coherent plot (or sentence) with two hands and a flashlight then we should all just move along while someone sets all of the copies on fire.

My theory is that people with ordinary lives like to believe themselves to be “edgy.” So it’s similar to when books like Madame Bovary, The Grapes of Wrath and Slaughterhouse-Five came out. Those publications were widely derided as nothing but obscene trash – like Fifty Shades of Grey. Only, unlike Madame Bovary, The Grapes of Wrath and Slaughterhouse-Five – Fifty Shades of Grey is epically bad and it is only the subject matter that is titillating. Thus, while it may make people feel “edgy” it is certainly not a novel that will withstand the test of time.

Ultimately, it’s just sex, peeps. It happens all the damn time. I assure you, someone is doing it right now. Maybe even while reading this blog. Except probably not. Though I guess that might be very masochistic of them. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

 


I hate meeting new people. Basically, because I hate that awkward small talk that is required by society when getting to know someone. I’m also awkward in social settings (especially those involving new people) unless I’ve been drinking. And even then, I suspect I am still awkward but I just don’t realize or care because I am drunk.

As only one example of my social awkwardness…on occasions too numerous to count I have done the following: See person, recognize person, delightfully say “HELLO!” to and smile at person before brain has chance to process the fact that the person I have just delightfully said hello to and smiled at broadly is someone I dislike. Intensely.

This person usually knows of my intense dislike of them and thus, is confused as to why I have apparently just delighted in their sighting.

My only hope is that they somehow think that I am mind-fucking them. If only I were truly that diabolical. Oh the places I could go.

 


I have suffered from post nasal drip for three weeks now. Last week, my house was struck by lightning and fried a bunch of shit. Today, I am stuck in a CLE with an old dude who has been clearing his throat, hacking or coughing every thirty damn seconds.

Is this what being smited feels like?


I’m currently loving the fact that I just spent one whole American dollar on a 2 oz packet of salted peanuts from the vending machine and they taste like stale ass.

Unfortunately, I am also entirely too hungry to throw them away without eating a moderate amount.


There’s something a little ridiculous about watching a woman tottering into work while wearing enormous platform heels.

I Is Famous


It’s not QUITE like that time that Maker’s Mark was AWESOME-SAUCE and linked to my blog from their FB page and sent me about 1,500 page hits and freaked me the F out for a moment; but it’s delightful nonetheless!

My friend over at The Stimson Chronicles hath nominated me for one of these:

Cameron is one of those peeps raising two lil’uns but who still finds time to blog, re-organize her pantry and is slowly but surely making her new house into a home. Thanks, dude! And keep up the good work!

In return for granting me my new-found rock star status, I shall pass along the good will to the following:

MaryNeff over at A Charming Day – her design ideas are, of course, amazeballs and inspiring to me.

Elizabeth over at Southern Blossoms – I’ve never met Elizabeth, but she seems like one of those true Southern Belles who I’ve always envied for their sense of style and grace.

Ruth at This G.R.I.T.S. Tale – Ruth is another one of those Southern girls who actually cooks. Unlike me. And it always looks delightful. Unlike me.

Please go check out these ladies – I mean, it’s Thurday…which is practically Friday afternoon sooooo it’s not like you have anything better to do. I mean, clearly. Because you’re here. Reading this right now. And frankly, this doesn’t speak well of you and how you spend your free-time. But I’m not a judger. I mean, I am. But, never about you. NEVER!

The rules for accepting your award…

1.  Thank the person who sent you the award.
2.  Link back to that person’s blog.
3.  Copy and paste the award to your blog.
4.  Nominate 3-5 other bloggers who inspire you (they need to have less than 200 followers).
5.  Let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.