Uhhh…you put WHAT…WHERE?

Go read THIS ARTICLE and come back.

I’ll wait.

Back? Good. Let’s get started.

WTF is wrong with “kids these days”? I mean, seriously, WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT UP AN ALCOHOL ENEMA IN THE FIRST PLACE? And who is the stupid fucker who first gave it a shot? I can think of nothing dumber and more humiliating than having a TUBE shoved up my asshole by some drunk “friend” and THEN having booze poured down said tube and into said asshole. Also, leaving aside the obvious ridiculous stupidity of this stunt – WOULDN’T THERE BE EXCESS FLUID? That would then have to DRAIN somewhere? I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure that cavity isn’t designed to hold large quantities of liquid. SO, not only would you be colossally stupid, but you’d also be dripping a delightful cocktail of booze and shit out of your ass.

WHERE DO I SIGN UP? *defeated sigh*

Karma is Indeed a Whore

So I parked my car this morning in the garage after making sure that I was properly within the lines. At one point, I opened the door, saw I was a bit close so I adjusted to get squarely within the parking space. As I’m gathering my shit I notice some whore get out of her Lexus SUV that is parked a solid three inches over the line. And of course she’s also wearing a ridiculous outfit that I’m sure she and millions of tweens think is über trendy – a skirt over capri leggings and fuck me heels. Nice work outfit, honey.

So I’m thinking all of these thoughts and silently judging her while waiting for the elevator and while I’m ON the elevator and while I’m walking behind her up to the escalators…

Instead of remembering on which floor I had just parked.

Quittin’ time should be fun! Nothing’s better than wandering around a hot and humid parking garage whilst jonesing for booze on a Friday.

Hope your kick-off to the weekend is better than mine, my peeps!

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS

I’m starting a new thing wherein I offer up reasons why we, as a society / country / civilization / whatever can’t have nice things.

So there is a lawsuit filed by a frat brat seeking personal injuries. Now, this is not a case of hazing or falling off a bar stool or tripping over a passed out sorostitute. Nope. This kid is alleging that his drunk friend tried to shoot a bottle rocket out of his own ass, said bottle rocket failed to launch and, instead, BLEW UP INSIDE OF THE KID’S ASS. The plaintiff was so startled that he jumped back and promptly fell off of a deck.

So basically, the kid who fell off of a deck is suing his FRIEND who has an exploded anus.

Now, the plaintiff is blowing all of this smoke about how there was underage drinking and the deck didn’t have a railing, etc. etc. To which I respond, give me a f*cking break. I have little to no doubt that this plaintiff was also hammered at this party and, if he wasn’t encouraging the shenanigans of which he is now complaining, he was close enough to have been a willing witness. And yet, we’re all supposed to feel sorry for him and award him thousands of dollars for his pain and suffering.

I have no words. Other than to say this kid needs to grow the f*ck up. There’s a complete and utter lack of personal responsibility these days and it terrifies the shit out of me.

 

Drink Recipe of the Week

I’m suffering from the Winter Doldrums, which basically means I don’t feel like doing shit that takes protracted thought. This, along with the shitshow that was our new home purchase, has resulted in my ignoring the blog. Now, I could lie and say that along with the New Year I shall find a renewed dedication to this shit, but I won’t patronize you. We both know I’m a lazy bastard who’s not making any money from this crap so you’ll get what you get AND YOU’LL LIKE IT DAMNIT.

Now that I’ve passed along some Christmas cheer I present thee with the DRW – The Bourbon-Cherry Seltzer.

Photo by Ken Burris, Recipe from delish.com

I have not tried this, but it involves cherry-infused bourbon. Which, yes, you have to make yourself but I think it would totally be worth it. Provided you could resist the urge to drink the bourbon whilst its soaking up delicious cherry flavors.

You will need the following:

• 1 cup bourbon, such as Maker’s Mark
• 3/4 cup packed dark brown sugar
• 2 cups whole fresh cherries, stems left on
• 2 cups seltzer water

To prepare the cherry-infused bourbon you must microwave the bourbon and brown sugar in a microwave-safe dish until hot, about 1 minute. Stir until the sugar is dissolved, then pack the cherries into a small jar and pour the hot liquid over them; gently press on the cherries to make sure they are submerged. Cover and refrigerate for at least 1 week or up to 1 month. I’m sort of wondering if you could put that shiz in a crock pot on low for like a day to speed up the process. Because I love nothing more than instant gratification – especially when it comes to booze.

To make the actual beverages, fill four 12-ounce rocks glasses with ice then add 3 tablespoons cherry-infused bourbon to each glass (THREE TABLESPOONS? That’s it? Please. I think we can all handle a bit more than that). Top with about a 1/2 cup of seltzer in each glass. Garnish with 2 or 3 whole bourbon cherries. The remaining bourbon cherries can be refrigerated for up to 1 month.

CHEERS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS MY PEEPS!

Sorry I’ve been MIA

But I have a good excuse. I PROMISE.

We were knee-deep in the process of selling our old house and buying a new one when the appraiser of the new house came along and took a huge dump in the proverbial pool. That was the reason why I wanted to sue all of the people for all of the things.

Because the appraisal was terrible it looked like the deal on the new pad was going to fall through. So I basically spent a week of my life crying at my desk every day and wondering how we were going to move to that place where social lives go to die in one weekend. Not to mention the hours spent in the car due to a MUCH longer commute for however long it took to find and close on another place.

Then somehow it all magically worked out. It was like they tell race car drivers – when you see a wreck happen in front of you, just drive straight towards it because the cars will have cleared by the time you get there. What kind of made it freaky was that on the day we finally sealed the deal we ordered Chinese food and my fortune cookie told me that, “Fate will find a way.” I thought it very fitting and left it on the fridge for the new owner of our old place; along with a bottle of champers in the fridge – CAUSE WE’RE AWESOME.

So we’re in the new place now and loving it. I’m slowly unpacking shiz and rediscovering crap that I thought I’d thrown away ages ago but somehow just wound up shoved under a bed.

It’s a process. That is greatly helped along by booze.

 

You know you’re kind of pathetic when…

People you hardly know feel sorry for you.

So we pay some lady to sweep into the office every couple of weeks and water the plants. She smells like roses, but this is irrelevant. She is always chipper and, if you’re not hunched over your desk slaving (which I always am), she talks to you whilst she prunes and waters shit. One of her favorite attorneys recently left and, while she was upset and would miss the dude, she understood the desire to leave; noting to a friend, “you all seem so stressed and down all the time.”

THE LADY WHO WATERS PLANTS FEELS BADLY FOR ME. But what the hell. Sometimes *I* feel badly for me. So I’ll take the pity…along with the booze I use to wash it down.

 

Drink Recipe of the Week

I’ve been up since 5am so I’m keeping this one quick and dirty.

It’s the Orange Margarita (on the rocks). I haven’t tried this exact recipe, but I’m posting it here mainly because the proportions of booze to non-booze ingredients are right up my alley.

You will need the following:

• 1/4 cup tequila
• 1/4 cup orange liqueur
• 1/4 cup lime juice
• ice cubes

If I have to tell you what to do after you’ve gathered the aforementioned ingredients, you should just stop reading this blog because you may be dumb. Now, ALLEGEDLY, this makes enough for two 8 oz drinks. But I won’t judge if you pour that shit directly into one 16 oz glass. Because that is probably what I will be doing. Tonight.

Enjoy my peeps.

Also…..STAY TUNED FOR HAIKU THURSDAY. Haiku Thursday will involve me composing a personalized haiku for you. To get your haiku, you have to comment on this post. It’s going to rock your faces off so BE PREPARED.

 

NOT the Drink Recipe of the Week

I haven’t the energy today. It’s really all I can do not to turn into a raging pile of suck at my desk right now.

That being said…THIS article is awesome-sauce and I’m mainly posting it for myself – so I can remember which bourbon I should use in which drink (it mentions both an Old Fashioned and a Manhattan – both past DRWs – that are my personal faves).

Also, incidentally, all four of the bourbons listed are, or have recently been, in our liquor cabinet thanks to the hubs and Francois. Tonight may be a “Manhattan kind of night.” Here’s hoping we have some Blanton’s.

Drink Recipe of the Week

This week’s DRW is in honor the hubs who sent out an email about bourbon today…and because he was pretty pissed about the last DRW and surmised that some of you peeps were as well. So, I have an actual recipe for y’all today. It came from the hub’s email and is aptly named, I think, because this particular drink just screams OLD SOUTH and I hope to enjoy a few this weekend whilst enjoying THIS INSANELY GORGEOUS WEATHER.

Cud’n Walker’s Uncle Will’s Favorite Mint Julep Recipe**

You need:

• Excellent bourbon whiskey; rye or Scotch will not do.
• Sugar (I prefer powdered, but this recipe doesn’t specify)
• Ice (smashed to smithereens)
• Mint sprigs
• Pewter or silver-plated mint julep cup (if you live in the South and don’t have at least one of these, you should be ashamed of yourself)

Put half an inch of sugar in the bottom of the cup and merely dampen it with water. Next, very quickly—and here is the trick in the procedure—crush your ice, actually powder it—preferably in a towel with a wooden mallet, so quickly that it remains dry, then slip two sprigs of fresh mint against the inside of the glass (**I prefer to muddle the mint with the sugar in order to get more flavor out of it, but that’s up to you**). Next, cram the ice in right to the brim, packing it with your hand. Finally, fill the glass, which apparently has no room left for anything else, with bourbon, the older the better, and grate a bit of nutmeg on the top (**I’ve never tried this, but will next time**). The glass will frost immediately. Then settle back in your chair for half an hour of cumulative bliss.

I’ve often added muddled strawberries to the sugar mixture at the bottom, which is a truly delightful twist to this essential Southern drink recipe. I hope everyone gets a chance to bask in the low temps and breezes this weekend. Enjoy my peeps!

**This recipe comes from Signposts in a Strange Land by Walker Percy.

Drink Recipe of the Week

So at some point over the last week I discovered an awesome drink recipe for you people.

But then I got drunk and have since forgotten what it was.

My bad.